Two steps can help you be a better friend.
What kind of friend are you? What is it like to be with you?
If an honest assessment shows room for improvement, today is the opportune moment to make some shifts. If you are ready for shifty days, here are two shifts you can make by noon guaranteed to help you be a better friend and experience less rejection.
“You are not big steps away from anything; you are small shifts away from everything,” said Keith Kochner.
After my own personal evaluation, these two steps took me forward. Each one was a shift in my outlook, a simple attitude adjustment that is reaping a lifetime of benefits for me and those dear to me. Surprisingly, these steps also helped me look better — inside and out. Even my posture improved.
1. Release others from your expectations
Repeatedly doing the same thing but each time expecting different results is the description of insanity. Expecting someone who has continually treated me poorly to suddenly treat me with honor and respect is going to disappoint only one person. Me.
While I’m in emotional pain, the other person is fine, and going about their day.
Expecting an irresponsible individual to act responsibly today is sure to prove frustrating. Certainly, people can choose to make good choices. We hope and pray that they will. It was the expectation that tripped me up. I had to allow other people the freedom to be who they are by releasing them from my expectations. It’s what I want them to do for me.
I had a neighbor who telephoned only to complain. Initially, I greeted each call with enthusiasm, looking forward to building a neighborly relationship. But every encounter was a tirade of criticism. No matter how often I adjusted our lifestyle to please my neighbor, the disapproval continued. After several months of this pattern, I no longer expected us to become friends. I released my neighbor from my expectations.
Surprisingly, I spent years expecting that this time my spouse would treat me honorably. Even after he left, I held high hopes that he would reverse his choices. Though I only invested months in expecting my neighbor to be a pleasant addition to my life, I held onto higher expectations for my spouse for decades. Long after patterns showed me he was not going to be what I anticipated him to be, I continued to clutch my expectations close. I created excuses for his actions and denied reality.
Stubbornly I gripped at possibility and ignored the obvious pattern.
2. Is this a possibility or pattern?
Taking an honest look at who a person really is based on his or her consistent behavior is a hearty dose of reality. Letting go of my assumptions of how I thought he should behave, of how I assumed he should treat me, was a healthy step forward. When I finally took off my rose-colored expectation spectacles, I no longer left each phone call and encounter perpetually hurt because my high hopes were not fulfilled and all too often, completely dashed.
If someone in your life has a history of being inconsiderate, don’t look for him or her to be concerned about your feelings. Don’t expect them to be a better friend. When your aunt is consistently malicious, I doubt she will suddenly morph into Miss Personality Plus in time for the upcoming holiday gathering or the next family reunion. If your spouse withheld money, affection, or respect before, he or she is sure to do the same after the divorce.
If someone didn’t treat you well before, don’t expect the behavior will be different today. Recognize the reality of the pattern. Set aside the high hopes that someone will live up to their possibility. Release your dreams for what could be and accept what is.
Healthy relationships occur when we set aside our expectations of how another should act, be, and do. When we release others, we are set free from unhealthy patterns, disappointments, excuse making, and the exhausting effort of living in denial. The person you set free is you.
Move forward
If you are thinking maybe this time about anyone, it is a signal that you are clutching expectations regarding how that person should act, behave, or feel.
If you are regularly offended, it is a sure sign that you’re harboring rigid assumptions. Expectations are offenses in the making. And offenses can trigger the blame game.
To be a better friend, release others from your expectations. To be a better friend, take an honest look at consistent behavior to recognize if actions reflect possibilities for a healthy relationship or a pattern of being inconsiderate.
Be strong enough to put distance between yourself and unhealthy relationships. Make room in your life for healthy friendships where you stand shoulder-to-shoulder to share life.
For more practical tips and essential helps, grab three copies of The Ten Best Decisions A Single Mom Can Make. Keep one for yourself, give one to a single mom friend, and one to the mom who will soon begin her single mom journey.
