By Tiffany Lindsey
To help kids feel safe through divorce, parents must understand what the situation looks like from the child’s view.
Looking back 40 years to my parents’ divorce, there are things I would have wanted my parents to know.
Divorce is traumatic and life altering for the entire family. I had never heard my parents argue, so at 12 years old, I felt shocked to hear that they had been divorced for three weeks. They said I could not tell anyone.
It was two years before I talked to anyone outside of the family about the divorce. Our cocker spaniel and my teddy bear heard all about it. Their sweet and accepting eyes reflected God’s love for me. When I cried in the middle of the night, I heard Jesus’ soft voice say I could let it all out with Him. He would never leave me.
Feeling abandoned, each morning I wondered if this would be the day I took my life. God led me through years of depression, neediness, and ugly thoughts.
Help Kids Feel Safe Through Divorce
Dad replaced me with two younger and cuter stepdaughters. I saw him about an hour every six weeks. Mom appeared overwhelmed with going to school and her own feelings of inadequacy. Through his college years, my brother grew emotionally and physically distant.
It appeared I was alone, but Jesus faithfully met me each day. Before I knew it, I looked back to see how He took me out of the enemy’s abyss and brought me a handsome and funny husband, wonderful sons, and a great career.
Some 40 years later, the thought of my parents’ divorce can instantly bring tears to my eyes. I am thankful that God used that horrible season to help me bond intimately with Him. Yet, because my parents mishandled the situation, they caused additional pain.
Certainly your circumstances are unique. From my own experience, here is a list of what you can do for your child.
How Parents Help Kids Feel Safe Through Divorce
- Talk with me. Let me know how you are and that you will be okay with time. Ask how I am. I may respond in anger or not at all, but I want to know that you’re trying and will be available when I am ready to have a conversation. Maybe I can’t find the right words to express my emotions. Could you find some books for us to read together? We could talk about what the main characters are going through, and that may open the door of our communication.
- Let me know I am loved and always will be. Show me that you want to spend time with me. It doesn’t have to cost anything or take much time, but consistency goes a long way. Together, we can go for a walk, play catch, watch a movie, visit relatives, or countless other shared experiences.
Two Additional Ways To Help Kids Feel Safe Through Divorce
- Remind me that I did not cause the divorce. Let me know the issues that contributed are between you and your ex-spouse. Since children are young, they tend to see the world revolve around them. As a result, children common blame themselves when a family falls apart. I was convinced I caused the divorce. I spent years trying to be perfect so my dad would like me and want to spend time with me. God has spent the past several years teaching me that no amount of good works is going to make Him stop loving me. His gift of salvation and loving presence are based on His grace and goodness, and nothing I can do will change that.
- Please talk to your trusted friends, siblings, and pastor to help you process your actions and emotions. I am too young to bear that burden. Do not speak poorly about my other parent and make me choose sides. My childhood ended abruptly. Don’t make it go away even faster by having me be your friend. I need to know I have two stable parents who are going to look out for my best interests while I continue to navigate the challenges of growing up.
Perhaps, like me, you experienced the divorce of your parents. What would you add to this list?
More Resources to Help Your Child Feel Safe Through Divorce
Find my blogs and books at tiffanylindsay.com. Look for my titles:
- Hope For Children of Divorce: a Bible Study For Teenagers and Adults. It’s a 10-week workbook that can be completed in a small group, one-to-one, or individually.
- Ransomed By A King is the story of two seasons. The first one tells of depression that followed my parents’ divorce that brought me into a relationship with Jesus. The second season was 35 years later when I had eight surgeries in less than four years. God revealed and destroyed the enemy’s lies that I had believed since the divorce about being unworthy and unlovable.
- It All Began With the Darn Microwave, is a fast-paced roller coaster ride that includes the fall of man, Noah, modern day inventions that cause instant gratification, and stories I’ve experienced and heard about. This book encourages the reader to ask God to reveal stuck points, or inaccurate world views, based on previous traumas. An example is that no one can be trusted. Once stuck points are overcome with God’s truth, people can enjoy the freedom Jesus bought for us.
